The definition of Amy
As I was stressing for the millionth time about grades and other school things, I suddenly realized how silly I sounded. It is not bad to care about how well one does in school (especially when this is your calling and career), but I was startled when I realized what it was that I had let define me and my self worth. If I get an A, I'm the most awesome person ever. If I get something lower, I begin to question my self-worth and what I am even doing in school. Both extremes are a problem! I gave up a lot of things to move here to Georgia, and I feel like I did the wrong thing when I am less successful than I thought I would be. And this probably sounds silly to a lot of people; nonetheless, this is basically how most of this year at Emory has gone. Actually, it goes back further than that. Half way through my undergrad I suddenly found something I loved and was passionate about. So that's two years of undergrad, three years of an MA, and 1 year of an M. Div. That's a lot of time to spend worrying! The problem is, however, that I got A's and awards in everything . So, it wasn't evident to me that there was a problem because it was never challenged. Now that my grades are sometimes less than I expect, I suddenly realize what I have tied up my self-worth in and began to take a hard look at myself.
Besides the school problems, I have been having a lot of health problems. When you have chronic health issues that never seem to go away and always seem to hold you back from your "true" self (or what you want to be your true self), it is difficult not to see myself as a sick person who just can't seem to do anything she wants. But again, I don't want a major part of my identity to be a sick person. That is just is depressing!
Then I was curious about how other people see themselves, their obstacles, and who they want to be. I began to listen to friends and family, and realized most of them aren't happy with their currently selves either.
It's always hard when you examine yourself and realize that you are not who you want to be. I love school and learning, but that is not the only thing I want to be defined by and I don't want what I think about myself to change every time I get a paper back. And I definitely don't want to be a person defined by my health problems. I want to be happy and free-spirited. I want travel and go on adventures. I want to try new foods, see new places, and meet new people. I want to be outside - hiking, taking pictures, walking Rommie, or sitting on top of Stone Mountain watching birds with Jon. I want to eat healthy and cook real food instead of frozen dinners. I want to take what the world gives me and be OK with it. I want to be known for Christ-like love and kindness. I want to put my self-worth in something bigger and more stable than my performance in school - like how my husband sees me, how much my family loves me, and, even more so, what God thinks of me.
The good news is that we are always changing. We never have to stay the same person. We never have to be something we don't like. So, this is my challenge to myself and to you. What can you and I do today to move closer to who we want to be and what God has called us to be? As for me...today I am going to go on a long walk with Romulus. I am going to pick daffodils and place them in my bud vases all over the house. I am going to do my best in school and be proud of it, no matter what grade I get back. I am going to get back to the joy of learning new things and challenging old ideas. I am going to look at my lower grades as a chance to be a better student and scholar. Because, even if I am not who I want to be, I can always be moving forward instead of backward. And if our lives are a journey, it is better to be moving forward (and onto unexpected paths and side-streets) instead of staying stagnant.
